Goat Addiction

Dear Shaker Bison, see, recently my friend has gotten really into goats. Like, the big hairy bearded goats. I had always thought that they were kinda small in my head, but oh my god I was wrong by a long shot. At first, it started with just random pictures of goats. Things like how “This goat has a real long beard” or “This one has huge black eyes!”. I could handle that. But it got worse. Last week, he invited me over to his house, and I brought some board games and stuff. You know, just to play a little. But then he brought out a large, stinky goat. It was in the middle of the living room for crying out loud! It stunk like mad, and I shouted at him and left. I wish I could say that was the end of it, but a couple of days later, I found that all of my hard work in my garden had been reduced down to a couple of piles of goat poop. I have no doubt in my mind that it was him. Please, can you give advice on how to cure him of his goat addiction? I don’t know how he developed it, but I just can’t take it anymore. ~HelpDua

Dear HelpDua,

Wow, I see that this is quite the predicament. I think the true issue here is that you may be jealous of the goat. You may feel that the goat has hoofed his way into your friends heart, leaving you alone, completely isolated, and reeking of goat smell. I would suggest befriending the goat. He could be a great addition to your friend group. Maybe he’s secretly very smart, funny and caring. From there, you could express to the goat how it hurts your feelings when he ruins your garden. I know the goat (who is very emotionally intelligent) would understand. Good luck!

~ The Shaker Bison (definitely not the goat.)